Recognising Harmful Relationship Patterns and Getting Help

Every person deserves to be in a relationship where they feel safe, equal, and respected. If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, you’re taking an important step by seeking information.

If you’re experiencing domestic and family violence (DFV), it’s never your fault. The responsibility lies with the person choosing to use harmful behaviors.

What is Domestic and Family Violence?

DFV can occur in many types of relationships – not just romantic partnerships. It might involve a family member, partner, ex-partner, or even an informal caregiver. While every relationship is unique, there are common patterns of harmful behavior that can help you identify if something isn’t right. These patterns often start subtly and can escalate over time, making them difficult to recognise at first.

Common Types of Harmful Behaviors

Coercive Control

Creating a pattern of humiliation
Using fear and threats
Isolating you from support systems
Manipulating you to comply with their demands

Coercive control serves as the foundation of most abusive relationships, weaving through daily interactions in ways that might seem normal at first glance.

It manifests as a pattern of behaviors designed to dominate and control, often beginning with subtle suggestions that gradually transform into rigid demands. An abuser might initially frame their controlling behavior as care or concern, perhaps suggesting they just want to know where you are because they worry about your safety. Over time, this escalates into strict rules about your movements, appearance, or social interactions.

They might combine multiple tactics, such as criticism, manipulation, and threats, to create an environment where you feel constantly on edge and unable to make decisions without their approval.

Technology-Based Abuse

Setting up your devices using their credentials
Accessing your devices without permission
Using tracking apps to monitor your location
Controlling your digital communications
Surveilling your children’s whereabouts through apps

In our increasingly connected world, technology has become a powerful tool for abuse. This form of control extends far beyond simple monitoring of text messages or social media.

Abusers might install hidden tracking software on your devices, use shared cloud accounts to monitor your emails and photos, or exploit smart home devices to create an atmosphere of surveillance. They might insist on having your passwords “in case of emergency” or set up your devices using their credentials to maintain constant access.

Some abusers even use children’s devices or family tracking apps as a proxy for monitoring your movements, all while claiming it’s for safety or convenience.

Social Isolation

Criticizing your friends and family
Creating conflicts between you and your support system
Gradually limiting your social interactions
Making you dependent on them for companionship

Social isolation typically begins as a slow erosion of your support network. The process often starts with seemingly reasonable complaints about your friends or family members.

Your partner might point out perceived slights or criticize how others treat you, positioning themselves as the only person who truly understands and cares for you. They might create drama around family events or social gatherings, making it so stressful to maintain these relationships that you gradually withdraw.

Over time, they may begin to monopolise your time, perhaps by creating emergencies when you have plans with others or by making you feel guilty about spending time away from them. This isolation makes you increasingly dependent on them for emotional support and validation, while simultaneously reducing your access to outside perspectives that might help you recognise the abuse.

Financial Abuse

Taking control of financial decisions
Eroding your financial confidence
Restricting your access to money
Using shared resources for personal gain
Preventing financial independence

Financial abuse creates a complex web of dependence that can be difficult to escape.

It often begins under the guise of help or protection, with the abuser offering to manage shared finances because they’re “better with money” or have more experience.

They might gradually take control of accounts, credit cards, and financial decisions, often explaining this as being in your best interest. The abuse can escalate to controlling how you spend your own earnings, demanding receipts for purchases, or giving you an “allowance” while they freely spend shared resources.

Some abusers deliberately create debt in their partner’s name or interfere with their employment to maintain control. This form of abuse can have long-lasting implications for your financial independence and ability to leave the relationship.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Constant criticism and belittlement
Threatening self-harm to manipulate you
Gaslighting – making you question your reality
Undermining your confidence and judgment
Using your vulnerabilities against you

Emotional and psychological abuse cuts to the core of your self-identity and self-worth.

Abusers employ sophisticated tactics that can make you question your own perceptions and judgment. They might regularly criticize you while claiming it’s “for your own good” or that they’re just trying to help you improve.

The abuse often includes gaslighting – a manipulation technique where they deny or distort reality to make you doubt your own memories and perceptions. They might respond to your concerns with phrases like “you’re too sensitive” or “that never happened,” gradually eroding your confidence in your own judgment. Some abusers alternate between periods of extreme criticism and moments of praise or affection, creating an emotional rollercoaster that keeps you off-balance and hoping for the “good times” to return.

Verbal Abuse

Regular yelling or shouting
Using degrading language
Making threats through words
Creating an atmosphere of fear
Using intimidating tone and volume

Verbal abuse, though often minimised or dismissed as “just words” or “losing their temper,” can inflict deep psychological wounds that may last long after the words are spoken.

This form of abuse typically involves a pattern of behavior where the abuser uses their voice as a weapon of control. They might regularly raise their voice to intimidating levels, creating an environment where you’re constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering another outburst.

The abuse often escalates from occasional angry outbursts to frequent tirades filled with degrading language, personal insults, and humiliation. Some abusers alternate between explosive anger and quieter, but equally damaging, verbal tactics like harsh criticism, sarcasm, or mocking.

They might curse at you, call you names, or use your insecurities against you. The constant exposure to this verbal violence can erode your self-esteem, make you question your worth, and create lasting trauma.

Many survivors report that the scars from verbal abuse – the echoes of cruel words and character assassinations – take longer to heal than physical injuries.

Physical Abuse

Direct physical attacks
Strangulation or choking
Threatening physical harm
Using physical force to control
Causing bodily injury

Physical abuse represents one of the most dangerous forms of relationship violence, with potentially lethal consequences. This abuse often begins with seemingly minor physical interactions – a tight grip on the arm, a shove, or blocking your path – and can escalate to severe violence over time.

One particularly dangerous form is strangulation, which can cause serious immediate and delayed health consequences, including brain damage from lack of oxygen, and should always be treated as a medical emergency.

Abusers might also use physical force in ways that don’t leave visible marks, such as pushing you against walls, restraining you from leaving a room, or throwing objects near you to create fear.

They may physically intimidate you by standing over you, backing you into corners, or making threatening gestures. Some abusers strategically target areas of the body that are typically covered by clothing to hide the evidence of their violence.

Physical abuse often coincides with threats of worse violence to come, creating a terrifying environment where the threat of physical harm becomes a constant shadow over daily life.

Animal Abuse

Threatening to hurt beloved pets
Actually harming animals
Using pets as leverage
Creating fear through animal cruelty
Manipulating through threats to pets

The abuse of pets and animals is a particularly cruel form of psychological torture in abusive relationships.

Abusers recognise the deep emotional bonds between people and their pets and exploit these connections as a means of control. They might begin by making subtle threats about what could happen to a beloved pet if you don’t comply with their demands, gradually escalating to more explicit threats or actual harm.

Some abusers deliberately hurt animals in front of their partners or children to demonstrate their capacity for cruelty and reinforce their power. They might “punish” pets for normal animal behaviors, deny them food or veterinary care, or force you to witness acts of animal cruelty.

This form of abuse creates intense psychological distress, as victims often feel helpless to protect their beloved animals. The presence of animal abuse in a relationship is considered a serious risk factor, as research has shown strong correlations between animal cruelty and escalating violence against other people.

Many victims delay leaving abusive situations out of fear for their pets’ safety, as most domestic violence shelters cannot accommodate animals.

This reality makes it essential to include pets in safety planning when considering leaving an abusive relationship.

Sexual Abuse and Reproductive Control

Forced sexual acts
Reproductive coercion
Unwanted exposure to sexual content
Deliberate sexual humiliation
Controlling contraception choices

Sexual abuse in relationships encompasses a wide range of controlling behaviors that violate sexual autonomy and reproductive rights. This can include subtle coercion, where an abuser might use guilt or emotional manipulation to pressure you into sexual activities, as well as more overt forms of abuse.

Reproductive control might involve tampering with birth control, pressuring you about pregnancy decisions, or using pregnancy as a means of control. Some abusers use sexual humiliation or degradation as a tool of control, perhaps sharing intimate details with others without consent or making derogatory comments about your sexuality.

This form of abuse can have profound impacts on both physical and emotional well-being, often carrying deep shame that makes it difficult to seek help.

Cultural, Religious, and Spiritual Abuse

Forcing participation in religious activities
Preventing cultural expression
Misusing beliefs to justify abuse
Controlling spiritual practices
Using faith to manipulate

Cultural, religious, and spiritual abuse represents a complex form of control that targets a person’s deepest beliefs, cultural identity, and spiritual connections. This type of abuse often exploits sacred beliefs and cultural practices as weapons of control, making it particularly devastating for victims who may feel their very connection to their faith or culture is being corrupted.

In religious contexts, abusers might distort sacred texts or religious teachings to justify their controlling behavior, often cherry-picking passages or interpretations that support their dominance while ignoring messages of love, respect, and equality. They may force participation in religious activities against your will, or conversely, prevent you from practicing your faith by restricting access to worship services, religious communities, or spiritual leaders.

Some abusers use religious guilt or fears about divine punishment to maintain control, suggesting that questioning their authority equals questioning God or higher powers.

Cultural abuse often manifests as a systematic attack on cultural identity and expressions. This might include mocking or degrading cultural practices, forbidding the use of native languages, or preventing participation in cultural celebrations and traditions. Abusers might isolate their partners from cultural communities, leading to a profound sense of disconnection from one’s heritage and support systems. In intercultural relationships, abusers might use their partner’s cultural background as a point of criticism or shame, or exploit cultural differences to justify abusive behaviors as “normal in their culture.”

Spiritual abuse can extend beyond organised religion to include manipulation of personal spiritual beliefs and practices. Abusers might ridicule or dismiss spiritual experiences, control access to spiritual tools or materials, or force their own spiritual beliefs onto others. They might claim to have special spiritual authority or insights that give them the right to control their partner’s spiritual journey. Some abusers use spiritual practices like meditation, prayer, or ritual as means of control, turning what should be sources of comfort and strength into tools of manipulation.

This abuse is particularly challenging because it often intersects with community dynamics and cultural expectations. Victims may face additional barriers to seeking help, fearing they might lose their connection to their faith community, cultural identity, or spiritual practice if they leave the relationship.

Religious or cultural leaders might inadvertently enable abuse by emphasising forgiveness or family unity over safety, or by lacking understanding of domestic violence dynamics.

The impact of cultural, religious, and spiritual abuse can be profound and long-lasting, affecting not only the individual’s relationship with their abuser but also their relationship with their faith, culture, and spiritual identity. Recovery often requires not just healing from the abuse itself, but also reconstructing and reclaiming one’s authentic spiritual and cultural connections in a way that feels safe and meaningful.

Identity-Based Abuse

Threatening to out someone’s orientation
Revealing private health information
Using shame about identity
Isolating from supportive communities
Exploiting fears about discrimination

Identity-based abuse specifically targets aspects of a person’s core identity, particularly affecting members of the LGBTIQIA+ community.

This exploits societal prejudices and personal vulnerabilities in uniquely harmful ways. An abuser might threaten to “out” someone to family, employers, or religious communities who may not be accepting. They might use someone’s gender identity or sexual orientation as a weapon, suggesting that abuse is deserved or that no one else would accept them.

Abusers may exploit internalised shame or societal stigma, using these as tools to maintain control. They might isolate their partner from LGBTIQIA+ spaces and supportive communities, while simultaneously using the threat of exclusion from these spaces as leverage.

Seeking Help and Support

If you notice these behaviors in your relationship, remember:

You’re not alone
It’s not your fault
Help is available
Your safety matters
You deserve support

Recognising harmful patterns in your relationship is an important first step, but it’s just the beginning. If you identify with any of these experiences, remember that support is available and you deserve to feel safe and respected.

Professional domestic violence services can help you understand your options and create a safety plan that works for your specific situation. They understand the complexities of abusive relationships and can provide support without judgment.

Consider reaching out to domestic violence support services, trusted friends or family, or professional counselors who can help you navigate your situation safely. These supporters can help you develop a clearer perspective on your situation and explore your options for moving forward.

Remember: If you’re in immediate danger, contact emergency services immediately. Your safety is the priority, and there are people and organisations ready to help you take the next step toward a safer future.